Secret Rewritten
by Katya Derevko
Summary: For the purposes of this fic, Jay and Spinner are not to blame for the shooting in any way. Just go with it. The basic premise is: What if Jay and Emma had happened differently?
1. Chapter 1

Secrets Rewritten

Note: For the purposes of this story, Jay and Spinner were not to blame for the shooting in any way. Just go with it. The basic premise: What if Emma and Jay had happened differently?

Part One: Study Date

Jay moves closer to her. She can feel his breath, warm on her neck. "You're tense," he says softly, his hands massaging her neck, her shoulders. It feels …

"I'm always tense."

"You'll snap in half if you don't relax …"

His hand slides down her arm, and she feels her pulse quicken. He moves even closer, so that their faces are almost touching. When his hand moves where it shouldn't, to cup her ass, her breath catches and her face goes red.

She could tell him to stop.

She could slap him.

She could kick him in the groin.

She could even march up to Alex, right now, and tell her that her skuzzy boyfriend just copped a feel.

But she doesn't do any of those things. She just stands there, forgetting how to breath, until JT's voice makes her remember. She moves away from Jay and onto the stage. She says her lines; she's the only one that's got them memorized. Alex and Amy are still reading from the script. And then – somehow, she can't help it, she looks back at him. His gaze is intense, lust-filled, and she … oh god, is she actually attracted to him? The possibility disturbs her even more than what he just did. Damn him.

Even after rehearsal, she can't get away from him – his car blocking her path as he not-so-gallantly offers her a ride. He's dangerous. He's trouble. Getting in the car with him would be stupid, and reckless. But she's had a gun pointed at her, and she's watched someone die, so just doesn't give a shit, and she gets in his car.

He calls, her "Greenpeace," tells her not get mushy when she implies he misses Sean too. He's not one to admit that he misses or cares about anyone, she thinks. But when they arrive at her house, before he lets her out, he tells her she should come down to the ravine, Friday night. He tells her they'll party, and it'll be fun, and it'll make her forget her troubles. He gives her the same look he gave her earlier, and she finally understands the expression "Undressing you with his eyes." Then he smiles at her, a smirk really, and she smiles back before she can stop herself, then bolts out of his car, blows past her parents with some excuse about pizza after rehearsal, goes up to her room, and tries very, very hard not to think about him. Anything, anyone but him.

It doesn't work.

The next day, there is a shouting match in the halls of Degrassi, between Jay and Alex. Several obscenity-laced insults are exchanged, and it culminates when Alex slaps him and storms off. They've been going out for a long time, Emma's heard, but apparently, it's all over now. She doesn't know how to feel about that.

Later, when she's reading in the library, he comes up behind her. She pretends she doesn't realize he's there, then nerves herself, and turns around to face him. "Are you lost, Jay? This is the library, not the ravine."

"Funny, Greenpeace."

"Don't call me that," she snaps, but he ignores it and sits down next to her. She hesitates, and then says, "So I guess you and Alex broke up?"

Jay lets out a snort of laughter, touching his face where she hit him. "Genius, Emma. What gave it away?"

She ignores his jibe. "You've been going out forever…"

"Yeah, I guess." For a moment, he looks almost sorry. "She just hasn't been that into me lately. I think maybe she never was. She's into … someone else. When I called her on it, she got pretty pissed, which I guess the whole school knows by now. So much for forever."

"Did you love her?"

His expression is incredulous, and then he laughs, shaking his head. "Emma, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. 'I love you,' is just something guys say to get girls to sleep with them. It doesn't mean anything."

"That's a pretty cynical outlook."

"It's the truth."

"No, it isn't. Maybe for some people, but not for everyone." She pauses. "So, I guess you said it to Alex, but didn't mean it?"

"No, I never did. We respected each other too much to play that bullshit game." There's bitterness in his voice, and something almost like sadness, or regret. She thinks he might have loved her, for all his protests to the contrary. Is he even capable? And why does she care?

"Well, I'm sorry you broke up."

"Are you really?" He gives her that look again. Damn. Why aren't the bad ones ever ugly? Must they all be hot?

"Why are you here, Jay?"

"Thought I might find you here."

"I have homework to do," she mutters, her face coloring again under his scrutiny. "And so do you. There's a big test coming up in Media Immersion for your year, my dad told me -"

"Oh please. I'll flunk it, as usual. Probably have to repeat the class at this rate, if not the entire year." He sounds unconcerned, and Emma bristles.

"Don't you even care?"

"What's the point?"

"Don't you want to graduate? Your future-"

"I'm not like you Greenpeace, I don't have a future!" He snaps. For a moment, she sees pain flash across his face. But then his "I don't care about anything" mask slips back into place.

"I could help you study," she blurts out without thinking. Jay stares at her like she's grown an extra head.

"Studying is not what I want to do with you, Emma. We both know that."

She glares at him. "Then I guess you don't get to do anything with me." She picks up her books and starts to leave.

"Wait!" He catches her arm, and she turns. "I'm …" He doesn't say, "sorry," but the implication of an apology hangs there between them in the air, and Emma looks less angry. "Make you a deal," she offers. "Study with me tonight, I'll go to the ravine with you on Friday." He appears to consider it.

"Okay. So where will we … study?" He smirks.

"Your place," she says boldly. Where the hell did that come from? God, she's got to stop blurting these things out before she thinks! She expects Jay to jump on the idea, but oddly enough, his face falls. The only thing worse than wanting him would be wanting him and having him reject her.

"Forge it-"

"No. My place. Fine." His smirk is back in place so quickly that she thinks she might have imagined his hesitation. "Pick you up after school?"

"Okay. I'll tell my parents I'm at Manny's."

"Ooh, bad girl." He leans in. Their lips almost touch, but Emma pulls back.

"Studying, Jay. Think you're smart enough?"

He moves away from her, slowly, smirking, as always. "Sure. See you soon, Greenpeace."


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two: Jay's Place

Emma's not sure why she's doing this.

Jay's place is pretty much what she expected; a small, cluttered apartment. It reminds her of Sean's place, but she tries not to think about that. It's cleaner than she expected though, and they're completely alone.

"Where are your parents?"

"My mom's probably hit the bar by now." He shrugs.

"Isn't it kind of early?"

"Never to early to start drinking." He sighs. "At least, not for her." His voice carries the kind of resignation that comes from not liking something but having become used to it.

"What about your dad?"

"Never met the guy. Look, now that you know my family history, can we can this stupid little study session over with?"

"Fine," Emma says, and they begin.

Jay is smarter then he lets on at school, she soon discovers. He memorizes things quickly and easily. An hour or so of studying, and she's pretty sure he can ace the test. He doesn't make a move on her, surprisingly enough. She guesses he's trying to stick to their agreement, since she promised to show up for the party at the ravine.

"You think I'm ready?"

"You're smarter than you look Jay." He rolls his eyes at her jibe. "You could do a lot better in school if you just put in a little effort."

"Spoken like every teacher I've had since the second grade."

"Don't you want to go to college?"

"Why would I?"

"I dunno, so you can get a good job, make money, have a life?"

"In case you forgot, college costs money. We're not exactly rolling in it over here."

"So? There are scholarships, loans-"

"Not for people like me. I'm not like you, Emma."

"And what am I like?"

He looks at her, his gaze penetrating as always. "Well, let's just say I kind of get it now."

"Get what?"

"What Sean saw in you. I mean, beyond the whole goody-goody, Greenpeace thing." He smirks, his perpetual expression, and Emma makes a face at him.

"And what was that?"

"It's just like … I dunno. You have … virtue, or whatever. And you always want to see the good in people. You want to save everyone and everything. You have way too much compassion. And you're a …."

"What?"

"You're a sweetheart." Damn. She's used to Jay sounding smug, not sincere. He gets up from his chair, moves over to her. "With a total thing for bad boys," he adds.

"Yeah, right."

"Oh, come on. First Sean, now me?"

"I'm not into you Jay." He's so close, their faces almost touching again, and her heart's beating so fast she's afraid it's going to burst right out of her chest. He grins.

"Liar," he whispers, as he leans in to kiss her.

They are interrupted by a thud at the door, and Jay pulls away from her.

"Oh shit, my mom's home," he breathes, pulling Emma out of the chair. "I gotta get you out of here."

"What's the big deal?"

The door opens, and a woman with hair and eyes the same color as Jay's staggers in, reeking of alcohol. "Jason! You better not have brought that slutty little girlfriend of yours over again."

"Ma, I told you," Jay says tiredly, "Alex and I broke up."

"Oh, so she finalized wised up? Realize what a loser you were?" Jay's mom laughs drunkenly, and then her eyes fall on Emma.

"Oh, so now you've brought another little slut home? A blonde one this time?"

Jay walks up to his mother, gets right in her face. "You don't call her that! Ever!" He shouts.

She slaps him.

Emma can tell from the way he reacts that it's the not the first time. He barely even flinches. He backs up, and she lunges for him, drunkenly pushing him against the wall, hitting him again. Emma's frozen, speechless, stunned, with absolutely no idea what to do. Jay looks like he's going to hit her back.

"Do it!" She screams. "Go ahead and hit me, you little bastard! Just like your father!"

Jay slumps against the wall, defeated. He pushes her off, and she staggers backwards, laughing. She turns and walks unsteadily – to her room, Emma assumes, to sleep it off.

The silence in the room as she leaves is deafening. She stares at him. "Jay …"

His face is blank, expressionless. "Come on, Emma," he says, in a monotone. "I'm driving you home."

The ride home is quiet, tense. Jay doesn't even bother to blast the music on those speakers he's always bragging about. They pull up at her house, and he waits for her to get out, not even looking at her.

"Jay," she says softly, and he turns, reluctantly, to look at her. "Jay, your mom-"

"Don't." He glares at her.

"I just-"

"You think I want your pity? You think I need you to feel sorry for me? Get out." He opens her car door, but she sits there, frozen. "Get out now!"

Emma's eyes fill with tears, and she runs from the car, barely having time to slam the door shut before he drives off. She still has to dry her eyes and plaster on a smile before she goes inside the house and faces her family. She doesn't know exactly what she's feeling, but it's not good.


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three: Let's Go

Friday's finally over, and school's out. It's the weekend, but Emma doesn't particularly care. The whole school day, she hasn't been able to stop thinking about Jay. The way they almost kissed, the awful way his mother treated him, his rage at her when she tried to offer sympathy. She wishes she could just get him out of her head. But even more, she wishes her best friend would just leave her in peace.

Manny's been pestering her all day, trying to find out what happened, but Emma doesn't want to talk about it.

"So where were you last night?"

"Nowhere."

"Come on, Em. You told me to say you were at my place if your parents called looking for you, and they did, so I had to lie. I covered for you, the least you can do is tell me where you were."

"Later," Emma says to Manny, as she catches sight of Jay stalking down the hallway. Manny follows her gaze and quickly puts two and two together. "You were with Jay?" she gasps.

"It wasn't like that, we were studying," she mutters, as Jay walks past them, glancing at Emma and then looking quickly away.

"Jay Hogart, studying?" Manny says, her voice full of contempt as Jay rounds a corner and disappears. "The only thing he wants to 'study' is your anatomy. The guy's a total bottom-feeder, Emma, can't you see? He's-"

"You don't know, Manny!" Emma shouts. "You don't know anything!" Stunned by Emma's sudden outburst, Manny doesn't know what to say. Emma runs away from her, after Jay. By the time she catches up with him, he's at his car.

"Jay-"

"What do you want?"

Emma pauses. What does she want? "Um … how'd you do on that test?" She can't think of anything else to say.

"Got an A, actually." He shrugs, giving his usual show of indifference, but Emma thinks she detects a faint note of pride in his voice. Emma smiles at him hesitantly. "I knew you could."

But he doesn't smile back. In fact, his expressions darkens. "What am I to you, Greenpeace? A project? Some poor, abused, misunderstood bad boy that Emma the Crusader has to save?"

The vehemence with which he says it takes Emma by surprise. "No …"

"Let's get something straight, little girl. I'm not a nice guy. I'm not someone a little goody-goody like you wants to pal around with, normally. But I know why you're here. You wouldn't be here unless you were desperate. You just need a distraction to keep from thinking about the shooting, don't you? Don't you?" He shouts.

Emma can't help it then; she starts crying. Jay's trying hard to still be angry at her, but he can't quite succeed. "Look – I'm not gonna – just because you're crying, doesn't mean I feel – Don't. Don't cry," he says his voice growing softer, his tone switching from angry to something like tenderness. "Don't cry, Emma, don't – I'm sorry, okay? Just don't cry …"

He closes the distance between them, and kisses her.

He tastes her tears, slips his arms around her slender waist as he feels hers twine around him. His kisses quickly go from soft to hard and demanding as he plunges his tongue into her mouth, sweeping, exploring, laying claim. He spins her around so that Emma's back is up against the car, and they continue, their bodies pressed close, kissing each other breathless – hungry, hot, urgent.

"Emma," he breathes in her ear, when they come up for air, "Let's go."

"Where?"

"We had a deal, baby. You said you'd come to the ravine with me. It's early … there's a spot there … we'll have some privacy." Emma shivers involuntarily at the implications of what he's saying, and Jay notices. Still, his lips find her neck, and he wants to devour her. And she wants him to.

"Come on, Emma. We'll just … make out. Fool around. It won't be a big deal. Okay?"

"Okay," Emma whispers. So they get in the car, drive off, barely resisting the urge to touch each other and they speed away to the ravine.


	4. Chapter 4

Part Four: Something for the Pain

Jay and Emma get out of the car. It's early, but there a still a few people in the ravine. Jay takes Emma's hand and leads her over to the van.

"This is it?" She asks. "Gee Jay, you take me to the nicest places … I'm kidding," she adds hastily, seeing his expression.

"It's not like we can go to your place … or mine. Look, I-"

"It's okay. Let's go in."

Jay closes the door behind them, and then, they just stand there, staring at each other, feeling suddenly awkward for some reason. Surprisingly, it's Emma who makes the first move, putting her lips to his. He grabs her, kisses her hard, and she likes it. Still…

"Jay," she whispers, half a plea for him to continue, half a warning to take it slow.

"Tell me to stop, and I will. I won't do anything you don't want me to, Emma. I just … you're so … god." His mouth, his hands are everywhere. He starts to unbutton her shirt, but stops.

"Is this okay?"

Emma stares at him. She hadn't expected him to be like this. So … considerate? She doesn't know.

"Yeah," she says softly. "Yeah, it's okay."

"Yeah?" He grins, his eyes sparking wickedly. An instant later, her top hits the floor of the van, and we she tries to return the favor, his shirt get stuck on his head, and they both laugh as they finally manage to get it off. He lowers her down, gently, to the floor, and gets on top of her as they continue. Then suddenly, he's half-lifting her up again, and Emma doesn't get until she feels his hand at the clasp of her bra.

"And this," he breathes. "Is this okay too?"

"Yes," she whispers, so he takes it off, and then stops, staring. He cups her breasts, testing their weight with his hands, and when his thumbs brush across her erect nipples, she lets out a little whimper. But then, it's not his hands, it's his mouth …

His lips trail across her breast, close around her nipple, and he sucks until she can no longer restrain a moan of delight. Then he moves the other, not stopping until he elicits the same response. Their lips meet again, as he's pressed up against her, and she can feel it, how hard he is, how much he wants her. As much as she wants him.

She wants to …

"Jay," she says, as he's kissing her neck, her shoulder. "Do you …?"

"What?"

"Do you have any condoms?"

He pulls back and stares at her, completely thrown for a loop.

"What?"

"Well do you?"

"Well, yeah, in my wallet, but … Emma?"

"Good."

He looks at her as if not daring to believe his luck. "Emma, I can't believe I'm asking this, but … are you sure?"

"I need to feel something, Jay. Something else besides pain, besides fear. And you … you make me feel that." She kisses him again.

"Make love to me, Jay."

"Wait. Make love?" Emma flushes crimson. That didn't come out right.

"I mean, have sex. Hook up. Whatever, it's not a big deal. Just …" She pulls his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans, finds the condoms, and takes one out. As he stares, she unbuttons and unzips both of them, so finally they're just lying there, in boxers and underwear.

She wonders how it will be. If it will hurt. She's nervous, scared, excited. But she knows she wants this.

Their last articles of clothing are shed hastily. She helps him put the condom on. He can't believe this is happening. He's wanted her so bad he couldn't stand it, and now, he doesn't have to stand it any more.

"You're so beautiful."

It's clichéd, but somehow, it rings true to her. She waits for him to enter her, but first he does … something else.

His fingers slide down her stomach, and then lower, and he … strokes her.

"Oh," Emma breathes. "Oh wow, I – Jay!" She gasps, and he smiles. It may not be much, but he doesn't want this to be just about him, getting what he wants. He wants her to enjoy it too.

As she's panting underneath him, he gently eases his way inside her, letting her response guide his progress, still working her with his fingers. For an instant, they are frozen, just like that. Emma is surprised. It doesn't even hurt. Isn't it supposed to hurt, the first time?

He starts moving, slowly, setting a rhythm, a rhythm he draws her into, and her back arches as their moans mingle, and they move faster, and he goes deeper, and nothing's ever felt this good, and she doesn't want him to stop, ever, ever, and oh god –

"Jay, Jay – I'm – I'm gonna –"

"Are you close?" His voice is strained. "I know you're close, baby. Come for me!"

His words seem to send her over the edge, and she comes, screaming, almost crying with the beauty of it, the pleasure. She gets it now, why so many people don't want to wait until marriage. Who would want to wait for this?

Jay follows her fast, crying out her name as he comes inside her. And then – they're both just breathless, panting, spent, hardly believing what they have done.

"Emma, you're trembling."

She starts to contradict him, until she realizes it's true. "I'm … it's alright," she says, and he kisses her gently. "Jay? This is gonna sound stupid, but …"

"What?"

"Can we just stay in here, for a little while? Can you just hold me? Just for a little bit?"

He smiles. "You are getting mushy on me, aren't you? Come here." He wraps his arms around her, hold her close, and she feels ridiculously, foolishly safe, if only for an instant. "Do you feel better?"

"I just … it's hard to stop thinking about it, you know? I thought I was going to die. Rick pointed the gun right at me."

"He did? I didn't know that." Emma's trying really hard to stop from crying again, but it's not working.

"I'm sorry-"

"Hey." He cups her face with his hand. "It's okay, Emma. I mean, as long as you're not crying over the sex …"

She laughs through her tears, then buries her face in his chest, still sniffling. He holds her, strokes her hair, mutters a few soothing words. She hasn't been sleeping much since the shooting, but she feels so comfortable in his arms, and in a few minutes, she's drifted off. He doesn't have the heart to wake her. Maybe he'll just close his eyes too, for a minute …

Sometime later, they are both awakened by a loud banging on the van's door.

"Occupied!" Jay calls out, like they're in the bathroom. Emma giggles.

"Man, you've been in there for hours! Give someone else a turn already!" Now they both laugh, but as Emma think about it, her laughter fades.

"Jay, what time is it?"

He checks the clock on his cell phone. "About 6 PM."

"Oh shit! I was supposed to be home hours ago! What am I gonna tell my parents?"

"That you were having sex?" Emma gives him a look. "Okay, maybe not. Just tell them you were at rehearsal."

"I already told them we didn't have rehearsal today."

"So? Tell them it was a last-minute change of plans, or whatever."

"Okay, yeah. That could work. But it's still late." Emma scrambles for her clothes.

The pounding on the door starts again. "I'm coming in -"

"One more minute!" Jay yells, as they both hastily dress themselves. Emma smoothes out her clothes, and then Jay reaches out and smoothes out her hair. He kisses her softly, and she smiles –

The door bursts open to a guy and a girl, each with beer in hand. "Share the love, man!"

Jay shakes his head, almost laughing. "Emma, come on, I'll take you home."

On the drive home, they don't talk much. He thinks she's worried, wondering about what she's going to say to her parents. Maybe she just doesn't want to lie to them. She doesn't seem like the type who lies a lot. He hopes it's not because she regrets what they did. He sure as hell doesn't!

They pull up at her house. "Well, we're here," he says lamely, suddenly wishing they weren't. That she could just stay with him for the rest of the night. What the hell is happening to him, anyway?

"Jay, I just want you to know – what happened – I don't expect anything from you. We had a good time. It doesn't have to be anything else, okay?"

She's been surprising him all night, now even more so. "Wait, Emma – did we switch places? Isn't that my line?"

She smiles. "I'll see you at school?"

"Okay." She starts to leave, but he catches her arm, pulling her in for just one last kiss. Emma exits the car reluctantly, telling herself it's just because she doesn't want to face her parents again, and not also because she doesn't want to leave him.


	5. Chapter 5

Part Five: Aftermath

"What's up with you?" Manny asks. Emma looks away and shrugs.

"Nothing."

It's Monday morning. She hasn't seen Jay yet. She doesn't know what she's going to do when she does. She still feels giddy, nervous. She remembers when Manny first hooked up with Craig, she said, "It was the most amazing night of my life." She didn't get it then, that her friend had lost her virginity – well, she thought something might have happened with Sully, but found it unlikely, since Manny had been complaining about him at the time.

But now … she feels certain Manny will figure it out, her secret. She feels like she's walking around with the words "I had sex" tattooed on her forehead.

"Emma, come on. You've been really down since … you know." Manny lowers her eyes. "And then today, you come strolling into school, with like – a glow!"

Emma snorts. "I don't have a glow, Manny."

"You totally have a glow."

Just then, Jay walks by.

"Hi Jay," Emma says, her voice small and hopeful. He looks at her, his expression hard to read, and for one horrible split second, Emma thinks he's just going to breeze past her like she doesn't even exist. And then, a small, knowing smile, and he winks at her.

"Hey Greenpeace." And he strolls off. Emma's too busy watching him to take in Manny's reaction, until she turns to see her friend staring at her like she's gone insane. Maybe she has.

"Oh. My. God."

Emma makes her face completely blank. "What?"

She does her best to avoid Manny for the rest of the day, but it's not easy. It's also not easy during rehearsal, with Jay so close, to concentrate on the play. But at least Alex isn't there.

"She quit," Amy informs an exasperated JT. And he only gets more frustrated as Darcy proceeds to flub her lines yet again, even when Emma prompts her. JT takes her to task, and quite suddenly, they're short two actresses, not one.

"Great, JT! Now we have no leading lady!"

"But my little darling Libby-wibby, she was butchering your magnificent lines!"

"Do I honestly strike you as a baby talk sort of woman?"

"Why don't you just let Emma do it?"

Everyone turns and looks at Jay, who seems to just realize that he said that out loud. "What? Unlike Darcy, she actually knows the lines."

Emma marches up to JT. "Let me be your lighthouse, a canary to your coalmine. Let Dracula come to my breast and I will allow him sustenance." She pauses. "I auditioned for Mina, remember?" JT looks impressed, but Liberty doesn't.

"We need reliable, rock-solid."

"I do rock-solid pretty well."

"Last week, you were late for your cue. This weekend, you didn't even show up at Manny's," Liberty points out. "Everyone knows you're off, or whatever."

"I'm not off," Emma tells Liberty. "And I'm your Mina," she tells JT.

He smiles, and then looks over at his girlfriend. "She knows the lines."

"And the blocking," Emma adds.

Liberty sighs, looking resigned. "Fine. But you better not let us down."

Emma smiles. "I won't."

"JT, we still need a replacement for Alex."

"Maybe I can talk to Darcy …"

"Yeah, I'm sure she'd be thrilled to be downgraded from a leading lady to a bit part. Come on …"

JT and Liberty continue to bicker as Emma turns around, catching Jay's eye, and they share a knowing, unguarded look.

Rehearsal goes smoothly after that. She walks home with Manny afterwards.

"Congratulations, Em."

"Thanks," Emma says tightly. Several minutes of awkward silence follows. And then -

"Emma, I can't stand it any more! I'm trying not to be pushy, I'm trying to be a good friend, give you space, but – What the hell is going on with you and Jay? Did you hook up with him this weekend or what?"

Just then, Jay's car pulls up alongside them.

"Speak of the devil," Manny says, not looking pleased at all as Jay rolls down his window. But Emma grins.

"Ever wonder how he paid for that car? It's probably stolen," she mutters in Emma's ear, but her friend's not listening.

"Want a ride, Greenpeace?"

"Sure."

Ignoring Manny's protests, she climbs back into Jay's car, leaving her friend standing there on the sidewalk, her mouth agape.

They drive in silence for a while. "You know, I don't think Manny likes me very much."

"Manny doesn't know everything." They're almost to her house. Why does the drive have to be so short? "Jay, I … I had a really good time, the other night."

"Me too. I'm just glad you don't regret it."

"Why would I regret it?"

"I don't know. At lot of reasons. One of the main ones being that I'm not Sean."

"I'm over Sean," Emma says, but Jay gives her a disbelieving look. "What, you think you're my Sean substitute or something?" Jay looks away.

"Well you're not," Emma says, as they pull up to her house. "I like you. You. And what we did … it was pretty amazing. I mean, it didn't even hurt, not really."

Jay looks at her, his expression somewhere between confusion and amusement. "Does it usually hurt when you have sex?"

"Jay …"

It takes him a minute to get it. "Whoa. Wait. That was – I was – your first?" She nods, and he gasps. "I don't believe this! You mean you never – with Sean – or that Chris guy?" She shakes her head. "Jesus, Emma!"

"I told you, it's not a big deal."

"For most girls, losing their virginity is a very big deal!"

"Why are you freaking out?"

"If I'd known-"

"You would have what? Stopped? I didn't want you to!"

"But Emma, you're a girl. You're supposed to lose it to someone you really care about, who really cares about you!"

Emma's stiffens. "I thought I did."

Jay doesn't say anything. There's no way he can admit it to her. He can't possibly be falling for Greenpeace!

Her expression hardens. There are no tears this time, but he can see the pain in her eyes, and he doesn't like knowing he's the cause of it. What is he supposed to do?

"Stupid me, huh?"

"Emma …"

She gets out of his car. Jay Hogart, caring about her? About anyone? She should've listened to Manny. What had she been thinking?

Jay watches her go, wondering how the hell all this happened, and why he wants so much to go after her.


	6. Chapter 6

Part Six: Amends

"So much for the glow," Manny says. They're in her room, and Emma's lying on her bed, staring glumly at the ceiling. It's the weekend again. Oh joy. She and Jay have spent the whole week avoiding each other, but the weekend isn't providing any relief, because she's only been able to stave off Manny's questions with the promise that at the end of the week, she'd tell her everything. What will her best friend think of her when she finds out?

"Manny, the last thing I need to hear right now is 'I told you so,' so just please, don't say it."

"I wasn't going to. But Emma – I just – I knew he'd break your heart."

Emma laughs, a harsh bitter sound. "That would require me having given him my heart to break in the first place."

"So you're not in love with him?" Emma stiffens and sits up.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you're acting the same why I did when I lost Craig, and I was in love with him."

"Yeah, but you have Spinner now."

"Yes, I do." Manny smiles. "And I love him, really, but – Emma, don't change the subject. Whatever happened – I'm not going to judge you. It can't be any worse than what I've done."

"It's just …" Emma pauses, searching for the right words. "He wasn't what I expected, Manny. He was … kind to me. No one's ever made me feel that good. At least physically," she adds hastily, and Manny nods, swallowing. Emma doesn't exactly come out and say they had sex, but Manny understands.

"When we at his place … his mom came home drunk. Manny, the way she treated him, it was horrible."

"Like Craig's dad?"

"I guess," Emma says, feeling a brief surge of annoyance. For a girl who claims to be in love with someone else, she still gets the feeling that, with Manny, all roads lead to Craig.

"What about his dad?"

"He said he never met him, that he doesn't know who he is."

"Well, that explains a lot. An alcoholic/abusive mother and an absent father, no wonder he turned out so scummy."

"He's not scummy, Manny!"

"Emma, he took your virginity and then ditched you. That's pretty much the definition of scummy! I just hope you guys were safe is all. That you weren't stupid, like I was." Emma sighs.

"No, we were safe. You know what the worst part is?"

"What?"

"I enjoyed it. A lot." Emma shakes her head. "He held me, after. He made me feel safe. I thought … when I got his car on Monday … he couldn't even say that he cared about me. And that's really all I wanted to hear. It's not like I expected him to pledge his undying devotion, for god's sake! It just would have been nice to know I lost it to someone who gave a damn."

"Maybe he does. Maybe he was just scared."

Emma blinks. "I didn't expect you to say that."

"Well, I just hope for your sake that he does care."

"Why?"

"Because you're hurting, Em. Because you care about him. I just wish he was worthy of it."

A few stray tears fall, and Emma wipes them away. "Me too."

"You gonna order, or what?" Ask Spinner.

"Stop bugging me and get back to work."

"Man, you have been so weird lately. What are you, pining for Alex, or something? I thought you said you were glad it was over."

"Pining? I don't pine. And who uses that word outside of English class?"

"What, you don't miss her?"

"Alex was never into me."

"Really? Is that why she went out with you for like, forever, dude?"

Suddenly, he just blurts it out. "Alex likes girls."

"Whoa. Wait. You mean …"

"I mean like your little friend, Del Rossi, likes guys? Alex likes girls."

"Wow."

"She asked me not to tell anyone, so you can't –"

"I won't. But hey dude, that's gotta be tough. Bit of a blow to the ego, heh?" He claps a scowling Jay on the shoulder. But then he thinks of something, and smiles.

"Wanna know who she's hot for?"

Spinner grins. But his smile fades as Jay continues: "A certain little blonde bombshell from Spirit Squad with a thing for teachers."

"Wait. Paige?" Jay nods, relishing Spinner's reaction. "Well, well – she's not gonna get anywhere! Paige is straight."

"Yeah, well, I thought Alex was too." Spinner looks like he's going to be sick. "Hey man, what do you care, you're with Manny now."

Spinner sighs. "I wish I was with her right now, instead of here, with you," he snaps. Jay rolls his eyes.

"What? So you have to meet her after work. Big deal. At least you got a girl who's not a lezbo."

"Actually, I don't get to meet her after work. She's spending the night at Emma's. Some big, girly crisis thing. She says Emma needs her. Which kinda sucks for me, but I can't blame her for being a good friend … what?" Jay's whole face has changed.

"Nothing." Jay gets up. "I just remembered, there's something I need to do. Later, Spin."

Walking towards his car, Jay pulls out his cell, dialing the number of Sean's parents at Wesega Beach.

"Hey man, what's up?" He won't admit it to himself, but it's good to hear Sean's voice.

"Not much. Hey, remember how before you left, you said you wanted to make things up to Emma? To her dad?"

There's a pause on the other end of the line, and then, "Yeah."

"Well, I got an idea."

"Emma?" It's Monday morning again. Why does the weekend always have to go by so fast? She hears her father's – step-father's – voice, and immediately braces herself for a lecture. But when she's finally turns to face him, he's grinning from ear to ear.

"Come on, you gotta see this!"

Emma can't believe her eyes. It's Snake's computer. The one her mom got him, when he was going through the chemo. The one that Sean stole, with Jay.

"I don't believe it."

"Sean must've - I thought he sold it. I don't know how he got it back, or even got it here, considering he's all the way in Wesaga. Did you know anything about this?"

"No," Emma says truthfully. But she has a good idea who might.

Later that day, she finds Jay at his locker. "It was you."

Jay doesn't look at her. "Whatever it was, I'm sure I've got an alibi."

"My dad's computer, Jay. It was you, wasn't it?"

"It was me and Sean. I got sick of him saying how he wanted to make things right, so I helped him do something about it. I owed him one. Not a big deal."

"It's a big deal to me," Emma says softly, and Jay finally turns and looks at her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Emma looks at him thoughtfully. "There's this thing tonight, you know. A coming-home party for Jimmy. Practically the whole school's invited."

"I'm not."

"You're Spinner's friend, and Spinner is Jimmy's best friend."

"So that makes me … what? Invited by association?"

"I'm going, Jay. I wouldn't mind seeing you there, that's all."

Jay tries hard to make a great show of indifference, but Emma's not buying it. "Okay, maybe I'll make an appearance."

Emma smiles at him and walks away. Maybe it'll be a good week, after all.


	7. Chapter 7

Part Seven: The Party

"Explain to me again why I'm here?"

"Dude, it's a party. You don't need a reason."

"You know, I never thought I'd say this, but Jimmy is right. If I hear you say 'dude' one more time-"

"But dude-"

"That's it Spin, you and me, outside. Now." But Spinner's too busy grinning as Manny approaches them to pay any attention to Jay's mock threat.

"I think it's cute when you say 'dude,'" Manny coos, giving Jay a pointed look.

"Oh do you?" Spinner grins, putting his arms around her. "What else do you think is cute?"

"You!"

"I think it makes me want to puke when you two act like this," Jay says mockingly, looking away as they kiss.

"Spin, could you get us something to drink?" He reluctantly disentangles himself and hurries off to get Manny what she wants. Jay rolls his eyes.

"You just love it, don't you? How you can get him to do just about anything for you?" Her face is hard to read.

"Actions speak louder than words, Jay. But then, that's something you'd know all about, isn't it?" She looks smug, and Jay doesn't like it.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Before Manny can answer, Amy practically falls on them, grabbing Jay's arm for support. "Hey, you guys!" Manny scowls.

"What are you doing here?"

"Celebrating Jeffey's recovery!"

"It's Jimmy."

Amy hiccups. "That's what I said."

Jay sighs. "Where'd you get the booze? And more importantly, did you save any for the rest of us?"

"In the cabinet, and nope. At least, I don't think so …" She looks confused.

"Amy, I'm all for underage drinking, you know that. But stealing the crippled kid's booze? When even I think it's in bad taste, you know you've crossed the line. What's wrong with you lately?"

Amy laughs drunkenly. "Me? Nothing's wrong. I don't have a boyfriend, my best friend in the whole world ditched me for a cheerleader, and I'm failing all my classes!" It's hard to tell now if she's laughing or crying. Despite herself, Manny almost feels sorry for her. But not quite.

"I don't have a boyfriend," she repeats the last part, hanging on Jay's arm. "And you broke up with Alex."

"Thanks, I forgot," Jay says sarcastically. Amy leans in.

"I bet I can make you forget."

"Falling down, crawl-to-the-bathroom-to-puke-your-guts-out wasted doesn't really do it for me, baby. Sorry."

Amy's eyes fill with tears. "Everyone hates me!" She wails loudly as Spinner returns with the drinks.

"With good reason, you tramp" Manny mutters, too low for her to hear. Jay turns to Spinner.

"Spin, really, tell me again. Why I'm here. One. Damn. Good. Reason."

Manny grins. "I can think of one." Jay glares at her, wishing she wasn't Emma's best friend. Must girls tell each other everything?

Spinner looks confused. "What's going on?"

"Amy here was just about to go home and sleep it off. Amy, I'm calling your brother, okay?" Jay starts dialing.

"Why can't you drive me home?" She whines.

"Because I don't feel like it, okay?"

"I'll make it worth your while!" Manny makes a disgusted noise, which does nothing to deter Amy.

"I'm not interested, Amy."

"Why? You don't have a girlfriend anymore-"

"Yes I do," snaps Jay. Emma, of course, chooses this moment to stroll over to all of them. Oh, perfect. Jay looks everywhere but at her.

"You're back with Alex?"

"No."

"Then who?"

"None of your goddamned business is who! Devon, pick your sister up, now. Of course she's been drinking! No, I can't. Because you're her family, and not me, that's why." He hangs up. "15 minutes, Amy."

"I'm gonna …"Amy covers her hand with her mouth and dashes away.

"Bathroom's the second door on your right!" Spinner calls out helpfully, before turning back to the rest. "Well, that was fun. So, Jay, who's your new lady? Or did you just say that get Amy off …" Spinner trails off, looking between Emma and Jay, who have locked eyes, and comprehension finally dawns.

"Oh, dude! Oh my God! You – you and –"

"Spin!" Manny grabs his arm. "Spin, these drinks aren't diet, let's both go back and get the right kind. Now!" Manny practically drags him away, his expression still caught somewhere between confusion, shock, and amusement. Emma and Jay just stand there.

"Did you just call me your girlfriend?"

"No," Jay mutters. This is not fair. Stupid little Greenpeace doesn't get to make him care about her. This is not how things are supposed to work! "Why, did you wanna be?"

Emma smiles. "Are you asking?" Damn, but he wants her. All of her. He should walk away now. They make no sense, they have nothing in common. This will end badly.

"Look, you want to, or not? Because if you say no, I'll just have to go out with Amy, and I really don't -"

"Okay."

"Wait. Okay?"

"Did I stutter, Jay?"

"Dude, this is awesome!" Spinner says, walking back towards them despite Manny's best efforts to drag him away. "We can go on double dates!"

"Shut up, Spin," say Manny, Emma, and Jay in chorus. Spinner just grins.

"We gotta keep it under wraps though," Emma hastily adds, as everyone turns and stares at her. "I mean, because if the school finds out, then my dad finds out, and um, he'll –"

"Cut off Jay's –"

"Spin!" Manny says warningly.

"Just for a while, okay?" Emma says, looking at Jay.

"Whatever."

Emma smiles. "Typical."

Meanwhile, Amy has mercifully not thrown up anywhere but in the toilet, and her brother soon arrives to escort her discreetly away. Jimmy's party is winding down, and as the foursome starts to leave, Manny sidles up alongside Jay.

"Just so we're clear," she says, to low for Emma to hear, "If you hurt her? I'll be the one to cut it off."

Jay smirks. "Well, what are friends for?"

"I mean it!"

"I got you, Manny. But I also think Emma's a lot tougher than you think, and a lot stronger than I ever realized."

Manny looks at him at him curiously, appraisingly. "You really are falling for her, aren't?"

"No," Jay snaps. But then Emma turns to him, and he smiles, and puts his arm around her, and at least for now, everything seems perfect, as the four of them stroll off into the night.

THE END


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